Political Jokes of the Week: Top Ten Reasons You Are Watching Bad Election Coverage and more! via: Self Deprecate Political Humor & Cartoons
Leno, Conan, and Letterman
Jay Leno: “And the White House spokesman Jay Carney said that the attack in Libya is still being investigated and we will find out what happened. But until we do, he suggested that Americans should not watch to Fox News or listen to talk radio.”
David Letterman: “You folks ready to vote? I don’t know if we still have any of those undecided voters. ‘I don’t– gee, I don’t know, I don’t know what I’ll do.’ Make up your minds, you idiots. On the bright side, after Tuesday, we’ll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That’s only good news.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “I’m sure you’re aware the presidential election is tomorrow. Tomorrow Americans will go to the polls, elect a new leader and go home for Thanksgiving to fight about it.”
Jay Leno: “Tomorrow night, both presidential candidates will be with their loved ones. Mitt Romney will be at Fox, President Obama will be at MSNBC.”
David Letterman: “Ladies and gentlemen, today is the last day of the presidential campaign. Boy, just flew by, didn’t it? So here’s the rundown. Tomorrow is Election Day. Wednesday will be the recount. December 18th the Supreme Court will give the election to Mitt Romney.”
Conan O’Brien: “Today Mitt and Ann Romney cast votes near their home in Massachusetts. Then they cast votes near their homes in Virginia, Ohio and Florida. They flew to the Caymans and cast some votes there.”
Conan O’Brien: “The President did a lot of last-minute interviews. He did 15 interviews yesterday and said a lot of crazy stuff. President Obama said yesterday his weakness is nachos. And his advisers said relax, you’ve already got the Hispanic vote.”
Stephen Colbert: “Frankly folks, I’m stunned, I really thought Romney would win. Now I’ll never get to see the inaugural ball and his first dance with Refalca.”
Jay Leno: “And congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected President of the United States. So, congratulations. But, turns out it is all not bad news for the Republicans. I guess – seems depression is covered by obamacare.”
David Letterman: “Well, this is a good category because everybody was watching last night. Top 10 signs that you were watching bad election coverage. Now, it’s gotten to be very sophisticated. I mean, they can…when you get up in the morning, they can call an election like that. But then in, like, 2000, they got burned pretty bad, so they don’t call it like that. But they knew a week ago how this was going to go down. So it’s highly sophisticated and a lot of it has to do with projections. So signs now that maybe what you’re watching is not really good coverage.”
10. “Kept calling Republican candidate ‘Milt’ Romney.”
9. “Germophobic anchorman refused to operate touch screen.”
8. “Viewers advised, ‘actual voting results may vary.’”
7. “After each state was called, anchor painted one of his teeth red or blue.”
6. “Too much attention paid to exit polls in Canada and Mexico.”
5. “Electoral map drawn on anchorman’s shaved torso.”
4. “For reasons unknown, news desk crawling with raccoons.”
3. “The interactive map became self-aware and destroyed the studio.”
2. “When Colorado passed Amendment 64, news anchor lit up a joint.”
1. “They still won’t call Ohio.”
David Letterman: “The Republicans are talking about their open to compromise when it comes to fiscal cliffs. They say we have got the fiscal cliff coming. We’re open to compromise. That’s what the Republicans are saying. And I’m saying what the hell have you done with the real Republicans?”
Jay Leno: “Well, the Florida votes have finally been counted, and it is official – George Bush has beaten Al Gore. So there you go.”
